"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been through so many mental changes and emotions as I have this week.
I don’t know how to feel. Life is different when you don’t know how tomorrow is going to turn out. How it can completely change the direction of your life. Knowing myself, I’m so fragile to change. I have an affinity for new experiences, but that is when I know that I have some comfort in the back of my mind that puts me at ease.
I could say that I’ve changed drastically in the past few days, but that would mean I had a grasp on who I was previously, which I don’t.
I do know that something clicked inside my head to make me see myself in such a different light. It feels like a high that I’m hoping never goes away.
I do know that, ironically, I’m going through the most unsettling part of my life that unfortunately is out of my power. It’s been 21 years and finally something is changing. I always knew, but to finally have it said to me, and to finally having it happen, is something completely different. The fact that it’s completely understandable didn’t stop the tears running down my face when she talked to me for 2 hours, and didn’t stop me crying uncontrollably afterwards. But sometimes that’s all you need. Releasing what’s built up inside makes you feel so. much. better. It clears your head and makes you look at the bigger picture.
I do know that I have changed. Because for the first time, I sought out the support of someone other than myself. Just because I know myself to be closed off to everyone and everything, doesn’t mean that always has to be me. I normally work through things completely by myself, but for the first time ever, I talked to someone. I’m growing and really, really trying to allow myself to be more open. To let love in. To accept love in the many forms that it comes in. “We accept the love we think we deserve”. I’m learning to love myself after 21 years and even more, I’m accepting it. I imagine it’s still going to be a struggle, but I have ease with the fact that I’m moving in a forward direction. Talking to someone else put things into perspective and got me out of my head if only for a little while. Allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of someone else is a huge step for me, but I’m glad I took it. Allowing a friend to be there for you when you need it most; there’s no feeling in comparison.
So much has changed this week and I don’t know how to carry myself as a person, I don’t know how the proper way to react to all of this is, I don’t know if I want to be alone, or if I want to talk about it, or if I want to bury it all underneath school and work.
All I know is that all I can do is let go, know in my heart that I can’t change it, take every step with a deep breath and refuse to see the glass half empty when I’m surrounded by so much negativity.
I know I CAN get through this. I know that it hurts. I know it will hurt for the rest of my life. But I can take the good and run with it. I can use this to take action. There is no point at looking at the ground when I can feel the warmth of the sun and see that every morning is a new day and there IS life after survival.
It’s exhausting trying to keep yourself happy.